Having a secret isn’t fun. You keep something from someone who trusts you, it causes unrest in your head and it often takes on a life of its own. It does more than you think. For both the person who has to keep something a secret and the person who discovers a secret.
A secret
Everyone has secrets. Sometimes innocent, such as a surprise party for a friend or a devised marriage proposal, and sometimes more serious. For example, when you hide information because you are afraid of negative reactions from others. You keep such a secret to protect yourself or others. Your personality is connected with secrets. 20 to 30 percent of the population belongs to the so-called self-concealers: socially anxious people who are more concerned than others about their bad qualities and especially what others think of them. Age also plays a role in developing and keeping a secret. When you are older, you have experienced more things, which means you often have more secrets than younger people. Older people also find their secret more burdensome, because they have been carrying it around for a longer time. The longer you carry a secret with you, the greater the chance of worrying.
Influence of keeping secrets
A secret is information that you deliberately do not share with others. The reason for that secret determines what effect it has on yourself and the environment. It creates a bond between people (if you keep a secret together) and as long as other people don’t know about the secret, you remain in control of the situation. Negative effects are mainly about those who do not know and the consequences for yourself: the point of having a secret is that the other person does not know what reality is. That is sometimes better, but it can destroy you. You have nowhere to share feelings like shame, guilt or fear with others and are tired of having to watch your words every time. That means a loss of spontaneity and being yourself. Not very nice. So ask yourself if and when you want to tell it.
What to do?
It’s a difficult choice when you have to decide whether to keep a secret or confess it. It differs per person. What we do know is that sharing secrets has many positive effects. For your health and a trusted and intimate relationship with others. An example of this is donor children. A study shows that donor children suffer more psychological damage from secrecy than from the donor conception itself. So sometimes it really is better to speak out, because you sometimes make things bigger in your head than they are in reality and because you also have to think about the other person. No matter how difficult it may be.
