Facebook: it is useful for remembering birthdays and sharing calls. But man, what a mess of updates. We immediately click on the snooze button for the following types of Facebook statuses.
1. The ‘I’m so lo-hee-hi’ status
Look. It is logical that we occasionally have less resistance and catch a bacillus or something. But that doesn’t mean that every snot has to go on Facebook. Unfortunately, many people think differently. They use every tingle, every cough and every twitching eyelid to announce how bad they are. “Feeling sick again today, dude. Now my eyelid twitches again just after I blow my nose. Does it never end?” When, after eighty such updates in one week, you cautiously suggest in a response whether it is not time to go to the doctor, you will receive a sharp response: “I’m just not feeling well, isn’t that allowed?!” back. Thank goodness the Attention Virus cannot be transmitted through your screen.
2. The ‘I’m so sad, but I won’t say what’s wrong!’ status
Facebook is for sharing. Not everything can be shouted from the rooftops, but if you do it, do it well. So if your heart is broken, you’ve been fired or your hamster has died… well, if anything, just call it by its name. We can only do so much with cryptic statuses such as “The end of an era” and “What goes around comes around” and “Today a part of me died”. So we always ask under the status what is going on. And nothing, absolutely nothing, is more irritating if she adds a “I’m not going to say that, because that’s private.” For crying out loud, pop it in your Moleskine!
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3. The ‘TMI!’ status
Others are too open, they see Facebook as a kind of… public diary. They share everything with it. Photos of their birthday and holiday updates, as well as intimate pictures. And we are not talking about the kiss after saying yes or the moment when mom holds her newborn great love in her arms. No, we’re talking about updates here like: “I did something too wild again last night, I still can’t walk” and: “It’s great that I can poop again after weeks of constipation. Have a good time again.” We can take a lot, really, but we don’t need to know when you’re letting off steam or raging in the bedroom.
4. The ‘Lóve my life!’ status
The Dutch are known for being very whiny. Now we hate that, but a happy egg in your friends list isn’t everything. How do you recognize that egg? Everything that person experiences is cool. From a visit to the toilet (“Nice perfume from Rituals put in the toilet; looove my life!”) to going to the supermarket (“I came across a super beautiful tree on the way to the supermarket; looove my life!”). We’re all about positive vibes, but you can also overdo it.
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5. The ‘Like & share!’ status
It’s at five, but if you prefer to put it at one, we can understand that. Because damn, what a pain the ‘Like & share!’ status is. Your entire timeline is covered in competitions by Aunt Toos, and why? Because she wants to win a Creuset pan set, has become stingy for a Xenos cupcake set or, if necessary, has to go to the Black Forest for a weekend. And the worst of all? It functions. Toos’ friends also click the thumbs up and the Etos jasmine shower gel spreads like crazy through the Netherlands. You know what? You just buy that gel.
6. The ‘No shit, Sherlock!’ status
There are always people in Facebook land who don’t have much to say. That’s why they write down that they are eating a sandwich with apple syrup, have just brushed their Norwegian forest cat or have messed with the self-tanner. Do you think it can’t get any worse? Sure. Just look at what useful information people come up with when it snows outside. At two flakes your timeline will be overloaded with messages that it is… yes, snowing! It’s really sweet that everyone says it, because you don’t have any windows yourself!
7. The ‘Never Heard of Google’ Status
Under the guise of ‘dare to ask’, we shamelessly shoot embarrassing questions onto the internet. It doesn’t matter, that should be possible. There are no stupid questions, they say. Although, when Gerda asks on her Facebook wall or in a #dtv group about the nearest supermarket or where Wim-Lex and Maxima live, all we think is ‘GOOGLE IT!’.
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